Harry Potter
and the
Goblet of Pond Water
British Accents Version (Harry, Hermione, Snape) Rev. 7/27
Guenette/Schaffer
Productions
Midsummerfest
Travesty 2001
Cast
Harry Potter......................................... Michael
Guenette
Hermione Granger.................................. Carla
Guenette
Rich Schaffer............................................... Rich
Schaffer
Eva Patalas........................................................ Eva
Patalas
Ian Dowell......................................................... Ian
Dowell
Stage Effects
Coordinator.............................. John
Burns
Preset: Three heavy sticks and three rocks are placed out of the way at the very back of the stage, stage left (they’ll be needed in Scene 5) A small table (mid size bench) and short bench or chair are angled stage left for Scenes 1 and 2). The table has two piles of papers on it.
Scene One
[Ian is seated at a table (with two piles of forms) stage
left, registering arrivals to Midsummerfest. Rich and
Eva come sauntering down the road (enter
from cabin steps, stage right) and come up to the table.]
Rich Hello
there, Ian! Here we are, ready for
another Midsummerfest! [hands Ian some papers, who puts it in one of the piles.]
Ian Rich
and Eva! Great to see you.
Eva This
is his twenty-fifth time, you know. [indicating
Rich]
Ian I
know, I know! What makes you do
it?
Rich [vaguely puzzled expression] I don't know, really. [brightening
up] But we wouldn't miss
it!
Eva That's right! We wouldn't miss it! [all laugh heartily. Ian picks up one of their pieces of baggage, and they all head down the road (down cabin ramp), offstage.]
[a {rumbling noise} is heard, followed by a {flash} of light (camera flash?) In the back center of the stage two
figures come tumbling out from behind the curtain and land in a heap on the
floor. It is Harry and Hermione. They pick themselves up
and dust off. Note: Harry and Hermione (pronounced
Her-MY-own-knee) speak with British accents.]
Harry Are
you all right, Hermione?
Hermione I think so,
Harry. But where are we? And what the devil happened?
Harry My wand exploded. I was simply casting a transfiguration spell to turn Ron Weasley’s pet rat into a slug, and PIFF! [he holds up the wand, which is nearly broken in two]
Hermione One thing's for
certain, Harry—I don’t think we’re in Hogwarts anymore. And I don’t have my wand with
me... [she crossed to the table and looks through the papers] Harry—this is some kind
of Muggle gathering.
Ian [arriving suddenly up ramp] Ah, two first timers, I see. Names?
Harry Ah,
Harry Pot...Smith. And this is my
friend, er...
Hermione Gertrude McFuzz.
Ian [looking intently at Hermione] Well, Gertrude and Harry, welcome to
Midsummerfest. But I don't seem to
have your liability release forms here.
[Hermione pretends to search her pockets while Harry turns aside, and pinching the wand together with one hand, casts a spell.]
Harry Bureaucratus! [{camera flash, rumble}. Harry looks pained, swings his hand and sucks on his fingers. A red ribbon tied around two pieces of parchment drops down from the balcony (trees) and dangles.]
Hermione Ah, here they
are! [pulls ribbon down, hands it to Ian]
Ian So
they are. Funny, I don't remember
sending them out on parchment, and in calligraphy as well... Anyway, off you go. Set up your ah... [looks
around for tent or packs, sees none] Pick out a camp site and don't forget the Initiation
tonight.
[Harry and Hermione exit down the road to camp (e.g. ramp) After a moment, Ian picks up his papers (and table, chair) and heads down too.]
Scene 3
[Small clearing within circle of audience itself at
bottom of ramp. Tiki torches on
sides are lit. Eva and Ian
in clearing, with Ian dressed in
his initiation cloak. The
teakettle of pond water and M&Ms are nearby.]
Rich [from field, carrying Tiki torch] Lord
Fester, the candidates approach.
Ian Let
them come forward. [Rich comes into the circle, leading Hermione and Harry]
Eva Kneel,
Gertrude McFuzz.
Ian By
this pond water and this sacred M&M you are baptised in the rites of
Midsummerfest. [Eva sprinkles water, feeds M&M to Hermione] {rumble}
Though your name defies further parody, you shall be known as Theodore
Geissel. When called by your
Midsummerfest name, you will respond “Horton hears a What???” Do you understand, Theodore Geissel?
Hermione Horton
hears a WhAAAATTTT???
Ian You
may rise. [pause] Harry Potsmith.
[Harry comes forward, kneels]
Ian [as Eva
sprinkles water and feeds M&M
to Harry] Your
Midsummerfest name shall be Throat Warbler Mangrove. When called by your Midsummerfest name, you will reply
“Neee!” Do you
understand, Throat Warbler Mangrove?
Harry Neee,
my lord.
Ian Company,
you are dismissed. Prepare for the
trials of the morrow! [Harry palms his M&M as he exits upstage right to cabin
steps]
[Ian exits into cabin w/boombox; Eva exits carrying teapot up to cabin steps, following Harry; Rich
and Hermione exit to field. (Rich please set dirty dishes basin for next scene.)]
[Harry enters from cabin steps stage right, carrying the teapot and his
broken wand. He looks furtively
around, then sits down and starts mending the wand. A basin with dishes is on the left side of the stage, not
quite under the balcony.]
Harry I
could tell as soon as that water hit Hermione that there were magical
properties to it. Dark Magic, too,
I’d warrant. She’s
been off her nut ever since.
[pause, while Harry works on the wand]
Harry Now
if only I can use it to fix this wand, we can get out of here. Sprinkle the crushed M&M, or
whatever it really is, onto the break.
[unnoticed by Harry, Eva walks up cabin steps and stands, observing him.]
Bother, I still need something to hold it together.
Eva How
about some duct tape?
Harry [startled, picking up wand and pinching it together
with his other hand]
Wah!
Eva I’m
sorry that your marshmallow stick broke, [rummages
in backpack] but I’ll bet this duct tape will fix it right
up...
Harry Oh,
yeah, right...thanks! [he wraps duct tape around the break]
Eva You’re
welcome. By the way, you’re
signed up for lunch cleanup, and the Adventure’s about to begin. [she
exits down ramp]
Harry Look
at all these dishes! Half a
moment...PALMOLIVOUS! [{rumble and flash go off}, water is dumped from balcony onto dirty
dishes] It works! Much better.
[Harry picks up dish basin, exits into cabin]
[Ian enters from cabin steps stage right and sidles to center right, having
set the wand w/attached string on the top cabin step. Hermione (w/backpack or bag), Rich, and Eva
(with backpack) enter up ramp and surround Ian on stage left. Harry comes up cabin steps stage right shortly afterwards,
first surreptitiously picking up set wand.]
Ian ...So
you take the sighting using the sextant provided in your Adventure kit, and
correct for wind direction and velocity to triangulate using coordinates
bartered from negotiations with the other teams. Use dead reckoning for the distance, and with a great deal
of luck you might come out all right and find the Treasure. Good luck, and see you in six
hours. Any last questions?
Rich Could
you repeat that part about doing the surveying from the top of the tallest tree
in the forest? How do we find that
exactly?
Eva Come
on, you're wasting time. You know
he's not going to tell us anything useful. Besides, a six hour estimate means twelve hours minimum. Gertrude, do you have the flashlights
and rations for when the sun goes down?
Hermione Right here. [pats
backpack] Isn't this
fun, Harry? Sorry you're not on
our team.
Harry S'alright. You go ahead. [Rich, Eva, and Hermione exit
down ramp; Ian begins to
follow. Harry takes out his wand and gesticulates] CONJURARE! [{rumble, flash} Treasure
paper is propelled backwards towards Harry, who grabs it. (If it
doesn’t go, Ian recoils in
reverse to Harry.)] Excuse me, is this what we're looking
for? [Rich, Eva, Hermione stop, then walk back up ramp to stage left where
they were.]
Ian [looking puzzled] Why, yes. But
how did you break the 128 bit encryption so quickly?
Harry Er...Lucky
guess?
Ian No
one's ever solved the Adventure in the time allotted before. Heck, most years, no one ever solves it
period. Congratulations are in
order, Throat Warbler Mangrove.
Harry Oh,
gosh...thanks!
Hermione Pssst...say it,
Harry.
Harry What?
[Rich, Eva, and Hermione start chanting over and over] Say it, Harry.
Say it, Harry. Say it,
Harry. [they stoop to pick up large sticks or rocks or other
implements of destruction and slowly begin to advance on Harry while Ian stands back (to downstage left), arms crossed, observing critically.]
Harry Guys. Hey Guys. This isn't funny.
[he runs down ramp off stage,
followed by the zombies, still chanting.
From off in the distance:] NEEE!
NEEE! NEEE ALREADY!!!
[still from offstage, voices
still zombielike] Rich That's better,
Harry.
Hermione That wasn't so
hard, was it Harry.
Eva Wait
for us, Harry. We want to come
with you.
[Harry, clothes in disarray, enters up cabin steps stage
right, surprising Ian]
Ian Well,
Harry, it looks as if one of us is not part of our little company, doesn't it?
Harry I
didn't fall for your little potion of pond water the night of the Initiation,
Uncle Fester...or should I say, PROFESSOR SEVERUS SNAPE!!!
Ian [assumes a
British accent] Very
clever, Harry. You're right, of
course. This place, this
Midsummerfest, is my little diversion for torturing Muggles. I sabotaged your wand so that you'd be
trapped here and at my mercy as well...Ha ha hA! They can't help it, you see...summoned every year they must
appear and do my bidding, no matter how ridiculous or uncomfortable. Bitten by mosquitoes, dragging their
pathetic carcasses through overgrown thickets and swamps for pointless exercises,
hunting them down with paintguns, how it warms my heart, Harry. But tell me, how did you avoid the
spell?
Harry It
was the M&M's, Professor.
They've always reminded me of Bertie's Many Flavored Beans—the
booger flavored ones. So I palmed
mine, and when I found out it was magical I used it and the pond potion to
repair my wand.
[Rich, Eva, and Hermione are heard offstage, returning, still with weapons in hand] Harry is not one of us. Harry Potter must not live. Harry is not one of us. Harry Potter must not live. (repeat)
Ian Clever,
Harry. But not clever enough. [whips
out a wand concealed in his clothes] [to zombies, who have appeared at ground level, edge of stage
right:] Stop! This one is mine. [Harry also pulls out his duct taped wand and assumes the dueling
position. {STROBE
STARTS}] EXPELLIARMUS! [{flash,
rumble}] [Harry ducks,
but the stones, sticks, etc. are wrenched from the zombies hands and fly backwards]
Harry RIDIKULUS! {flash, rumble}
Ian We
both know I'm already ridiculous, Harry.
You'll have to do better than that. CRUCIO! [{flash, rumble}]
Harry [clutches his side, yells in agony, falls to the
ground] AAAAhhhh![he brings up his wand, gritting his teeth] GELATINUS! [{flash, rumble}]
Ian [starts wobbling around on legs that go crazily
from side to side]
SOMINEX! [{flash, rumble}]
[the spell misses Harry, who
ducks, but hits the zombies, who
slump onto the edge of the stage asleep and begin to snore loudly]
Harry PROCRASTINATIO
ET TARDITAS ODIOSE EST! [{flash, rumble}] [Ian staggers backwards, looks very surprised and taken
aback. {STROBE STOPS}]
Ian What
in blue blazes was that?
Harry The
procrastination spell—it’s my own invention. You're perfectly capable of attacking
me again, Professor, but you'll never get around to it. [he
walks up to Ian, seizes his
wand, and breaks it in two {LOUD RUMBLE, flash} . The
zombies stir and awaken. Hermione, Eva, Rich enter up cabin steps stage right. Rich and Eva
cross to stage center.]
Hermione Harry, are you all
right?
Harry Yes,
Hermione. Now that his wand is
broken, all of Snape-slash-Dowell's spells are undone. These poor Muggles are free to go.
Eva [turning toward Rich] So does this mean that next year we can
go to Bermuda for our anniversary instead?
Rich Indeed
it does, my little pigeon! [they touch heads side by side affectionately]
All (except Ian) HOORAY!
Ian I
suppose this means I'll never get the barn finished!
[a banner drops down from the balcony, displaying the following to
tumultuous applause]
THE END
Large sticks, rocks, etc. (Preset for Scene 1, used in Scene
5) Hermione, Rich, Eva
stack of Forms (Scene 1, Ian)
2 Forms (Scene 1) Rich and Eva each have one
2 Parchment Rolls tied to a long red ribbon taped to front floor of balcony (Scene 2 [but preset before Scene 1], John) ready for deployment
Assorted knapsacks, duffel bags (Rich [Scene 1], Eva [Scene 1, 4], Hermione [Scene 5])
electronic flash device (for spell effects, in Balcony. John, Scenes 2,4,5)
Strobe Light (John, Scene 5 during Wizard’s Duel)
Piece of sheet metal (e.g. shed roof panel) for thunderlike noise—spell effect—rig to sound it using foot. In Balcony—John, Scenes 2,3,4, and 5
Broken wand (Harry, Scene 2, Scene 4)
Tea kettle from camp (with water) Eva (Scene 3), Harry (Scene 4)
M&Ms (Eva—Scene 3, Harry—Scene 4)
Ian’s boom box with initiation music tape (Ian—Scene 3)
Tiki torch (Rich—Scene 3) w/matches to light it
Roll of Duct tape (Eva—Scene 4 [tape is inside backpack])
Dish basin with dishes (Rich—preset for Scene 4)
Bucket with water (to dump on dishes from balcony) John—Scene 4
Fixed duct taped wand affixed to Treasure Page (in Ian’s pocket) with 12’ length of strong black threads (Ian—Scene 5)
Wand (Ian--Scene 5)
Fixed duct taped wand (Harry—Scene 5)
“The End” banner (John—Scene 5 [banner preset for deployment from top of balcony banister]
Table (Ian--Scene 1)
3 Tiki torches (Ian--Scene 3) (w/fuel and matches to light)
Wizard robes (Harry, Hermione)
Ian’s initiation cloak (Ian should wear this for Scenes 3 and 5)
We should also try to go early in the evening rather than later.
Stage Effects notes: John will set up on the balcony of the cabin. We’ll affix the strobe light pointing downward from the underside of the balcony, center stage, and a remote switch (or plug) up with John.
Order of Stage Effects Cues:
Scene 1: (none)
Scene 2:
1. rumble, then
2. flash
3. flash & rumble
4. drop ribbon and parchment rolls off of balcony
Scene 3:
1. rumble
Scene 4:
1. flash & rumble, followed immediately by
2. DUMP bucket of water onto dish basin
Scene 5:
1. flash & rumble
2. STROBE starts
3. flash & rumble
4. flash & rumble
5. flash & rumble
6. flash & rumble
7. flash & rumble
8. flash & rumble
9. STROBE stops
10. flash & LOUD RUMBLE
11. deploy THE END banner
12. Stand Up and Take A Bow!!!!