Hi, I'm Regis Philbin, and welcome to 'Who Wants to Be an Ian-naire'!
We already have a contestant in the hot seat; let's give a warm introduction to Joe Fester!
Hi, Regis. I'm really excited to be here.
We're glad to have you here. Tell us a little about yourself.
Well, my name is Joe Fester. I'm from the New England area. I like the rain, Adventure games, and camping in the woods.
Wow, that's great! Now I understand that you also have a very interesting hobby. Why don't you tell us more about it?
Yes, Regis. I am currently creating a book of photographs and essays on latrines.
Latrines! You mean outdoor toilets??
Exactly. The book's title is 'Much More Than Just a Hole in the Ground'
Well, they're certainly more than that. Now, you know the rules:
You have three lifelines–Ask the Audience, Phone a Friend, and the 50/50 Lifeline
Answer 15 questions correctly, and you will win One Million Dollars!
Now let's play, 'Who Wants to Be an Ian-naire!'
Here's your first question, for $100:
1. What is Ian Dowell's name?
A. Ian Dowell B. Muhammad Ali
C. Steve Dubin D. Janet Reno
Call it a hunch, but my guess is that Ian Dowell's name is (A) Ian Dowell.
Final Answer?
Yes.
You...are right!
Now, for $200, here's your question:
A. Dowellpalooza B. The Iandowellapolis 500
C. Midsummerfest D. Ian Dowell's Midsummer Rockin' Eve
The answer is (C), Midsummerfest.
You should know, you're here at..Midsummerfest! Now, onto the $300 question:
A. Fire and Brimstone B. Tropical Sun
C. Tornados D. Rain
[Improvisational answer based on the current weather, but eventually...]
The answer is (D) Rain.
Right is Rain! You have $300. Now on to your $500 question:
4. Who is Ian's favorite fictional character, whose 100-Aker Wood is a theme at MSF?
A. Winnie the Pooh B. Felix the Cat
C. Howard the Duck D. Oscar the Grouch
I know there were a lot of signs around when I came in, but I was too busy trying to finish reading the handbook on the way up.
[Looking at Joe's shirt] I'm not sure what to tell you
I know Ian was a Howard the Duck fan, and he's got a bit of Oscar in him too.
Sure, sure, he does. It's a tough question [Points at Pooh on Joe's T-shirt]
I don't know, Regis. Do you think you could give me a hint.
Of course I can't. [Circles the Pooh on Joe's T-shirt]
[Finally noticing] Yes, yes, of course. Ahem. Well, it must be (A), Winnie the Pooh, and I'm making that my final answer.
What a coincidence! You're right! Now you're just one question away from a thousand dollars. Here's your question:
5. In what year did Midsummerfest begin?
A. 1973 B. 1983
C. 1993 D. 2003
I know 'Space Commander Wack' started before 1993, so that takes out answers C and D. And in 1973, I think Ian was only about 8 years old, so that's out. So I'm going with (B), 1983.
You've won $1000. And that $1000 is yours to keep. No matter what you do for the rest of the game, you're guaranteed at least $1000 in winnings.
Thank you, Regis.
Don't thank me, thank Ian. It's his money.
Thank you, Ian.
Let's get on with it. Here's your $2000 question:
6. Which of these items is not found in the Upper Pond:
A. Crayfish B. Frogs
C. Waterbugs D. Jimmy Hoffa
Hmmm...(D) is awfully tempting...I can just picture it...Ian with the Beam-O, in the Upper Pond...
I didn't know Ian even knew Jimmy Hoffa
Me either. And you know, I've seen crayfish, frogs, and waterbugs in the pond, so I'll have to say (D), Jimmy Hoffa.
You are...as far as we know...right! Hey, at the rate this is going, Ian's going to be paying you to come to Midsummerfest.
I'd like that.
Alright then, onto the $4000 question. Here it is:
7. In May of this year Ian qualified for what famous event?
A. The Olympic Games B. The Boston Marathon
C. The National Watermelon Seed Spitting Contest D. The National Karaoke Finals
Hmm..I haven't heard about Ian making plans to go to Australia, so the Olympics are out.
And you'll hear Ian sing later tonight, so I can sure tell you it ain't the Karaoke Finals
I thought you weren't allowed to give me help
I wasn't–I'm just warning the audience about what's coming up
Well, the logical choice would be (C), the Watermelon Seed Spitting Contest. But I know what a glutton for punishment Ian is, and the idea of running 26 miles just so you could earn the right to run another 26 miles is an idea that only Ian would love. So I'm going to have to say (B), the Boston Marathon.
Yes, he ran the Vermont City marathon in under 3:10, so he qualified for the Boston Marathon next April. Congratulations, Ian! And congratulations, Joe Fester. You have won $4000, and are moving on to the $8000 question. Here it is:
8. During last year's skit The Fester Menace, what Star Wars character served as an allegorical metaphor for Ian Dowell?
A. The Emperor B. Princess Leia
C. Darth Vader D. Luke Skywalker
E. Jar Jar Binks
I really should know this one, shouldn't I?
I would hope so. You wrote the skit. And portrayed Ian in it.
Oh yeah. How could I forget? You know, I would have portrayed Ian as Jar Jar Binks, but I couldn't do the accent right. So Ian had to be represented as (A), the Evil Emperor Dowell
Final answer?
Yes, final answer.
You're as right as a Jedi Knight! Now, for $16,000, here's your question:
9. In Ian's BBBB celebration in May, what does BBBB stand for:
A. Babes Bonk Birthday Boy B. Boston's Best Baked Beans
C. Baboon Bites Befuddled Bachelor D. Birthday Ballgame Barbecue Bash
I think Babes Bonk Birthday Boy is Ian's fantasy birthday.
Or maybe his birthday wish.
Dream the impossible dream.
It's not impossible for some of us.
You mean..you, Regis?
Of course.
But...how?
There's no better pickup line than 'Who wants to be on my hot seat tonight?'
Really? That works for you.
That and my multimillion dollar salary.
Wow. So money can buy love.
Of course it can. And if you can give me 7 more correct answers, you'll be buying yourself a whole lotta love.
Well, I know this one, Regis. BBBB celebrates Ian's birthday with a barbecue, so the answer is (D).
You're right! BBBB stands for Birthday Ballgame Barbecue Bash And you're looking at a shot at $32,000. Are you ready, Fester?
I'm ready, Regis.
Here it is. For $32,000:
10. Ian's MSF nickname is:
A. Uncle Fester B. High Commander
C. Evil Emperor Dowell D. Caligula
E. Jar Jar Binks
Hmm...they all seem so appropriate, except for maybe Uncle Fester. I'm going to have to ask the audience on this one.
Alright, we'll ask the audience. Let me read the question again:
10. Ian's MSF nickname is:
A. Uncle Fester B. High Commander
C. Evil Emperor Dowell D. Caligula
E. Jar Jar Binks
Audience, shout out your answers. [If no one responds, do a show of hands]
[Regis will improv with the audience, and comment on which choice the audience seems to like]
I still think most of the answers are a pretty good fit. But then I remembered that Ian gave himself his own nickname, so I think he'd choose something more modest, like Uncle Fester. So I'll say (A).
You don't think he'd choose Evil Emperor Dowell?
Probably not.
Jar Jar Binks?
Definitely not. Though there is a striking resemblance.
So you say (A)...Uncle Fester...and you're right! You've won $32,000! And now you've reached a safe haven. That $32,000 will be yours to keep, no matter what happens over the rest of the game. You're just 5 questions away from a million dollars, and we'll start with the $64,000 question:
11. Who traditionally serves as the Midsummerfest emcee for the Travesty?
A. Ed McMahon B. Mike Guenette
C. Steve Dubin D. Ian Dowell
Hm, that's a tough one. I think I'll have to phone a friend.
Ok, who would you like to call?
I'd like to call Yoda.
Funny, I didn't know Yoda had a phone...but here we go...
[Answering machine picks up]
Yoda's voice: Home not now Yoda this is. Your message at the beep you leave, hmmm?
Hi, Yoda, this is Regis Philbin and I'm calling...
Yoda picks up the phone: Philbin is it Regis?
Yes, it is. I've got a friend of yours, Joe Fester, who needs some help with a trivia question
Yoda: Help him I will
Ok, Joe, you've got 30 seconds, starting...now...
Ok, Yoda, here's the question:
11. Who traditionally serves as the Midsummerfest emcee for the Travesty?
A. Ed McMahon B. Mike Guenette
C. Steve Dubin D. Ian Dowell
Yoda: Understand you I do not.
Let me rephrase: The travesty as the traditional Midsummerfest emcee by whom serves?
Yoda: Ahh, easy that question is.
Great, so who does it
Yoda: Patient you must be. Answer you I will.
Ok, but we've only got 30 seconds
Yoda: Irrelevant time is. Use the force, Joe.
If I could use the force, I wouldn't be calling you!
Yoda: Angry you are. The dark side you must beware of.
Listen you Muppet, if you don't give me a straight answer now, I'll smack you until you're as lame as George Lucas's storylines.
Yoda: Alright, alright, answer will I give. Travesty of Midsummerfest emcee of tradition served by.
[Click]
Oh, I'm sorry, you're time is up on the phone. I hope Yoda was able to help you out.
He didn't, but I've noticed there's a lot more chocolate fondue and gorp left over as compared to last year when Steve was here. The travesty seems different, too, and I think it's because he's not here hosting it. So I'll say (C), Steve Dubin.
You are right! The full correct answer is: Steve Dubin, the girly-man who is spending the weekend in his Brookline condo with his rocks and mineral samples instead of pumping iron and grilling steaks and providing a good example to the children.
Now we will forget about the flaccid one and move on to the manly $125,000 question:
A. Dataware B. Ledge Multimedia
C. King Richard's Faire D. Chippendale's
Well, rumor has it that Ian and Chris Campbell went skinny-dipping at the end of the last Work Weekend, and I'm not sure whether the rumor said they'd measured up to be Chippendale's dancers.
Are you saying they haven't got what it takes?
I'm saying let's not go there. Besides, I'm sure the answer is (D), Chippendale's.
How can you be so sure?
Well, I've seen Ian dance, and believe me, the only way Ian gets into Chippendale's would be as a paying customer.
Ouch! But your answer is absolutely correct! You're up to $125,000. Ready to go for 250?
Sure, Regis.
Ok, then, here it is:
13. Which of these items is not found in Ian's house?
A. A 22 foot long plush purple snake that Ian made himself
B. License plates to his grandmother's car from 1938-1971
C. 10 Macintosh computers, a TRS-80, and a Unix PC
D. Several discarded or lost gloves that Ian found on the street and kept in case someone who comes over needs gloves
Gosh, they all sound like things you might find in Ian's house. It's so hard to choose one.
It is a hard choice, isn't it.
Well, I know Ian's got lots of computers at his place, so we can eliminate (C).
Ok.
If (A) hadn't said that Ian made the plush snake, I would have taken (A). I don't see Ian going out and buying a 22-foot snake...but I know Ian's got the do-it-yourself streak and likes to make things...I can see him making a 22 foot purple snake...I don't know why he'd make one, but I think he did.
Sounds logical.
And I definitely see him saving his grandmother's license plates, so (B) is out.
Looks like you're going to choose (D)
Yeah....but....I remember hearing that Ian really does keep gloves he finds on the street, in case someone needs them, so I don't think (D) is right either.
Well, you have to pick one of them
I don't think so, Regis. I'm going with 'None of the above'
But that's not even an answer!
It is the answer
It's unprecedented!
It's my final answer, Regis.
All right. The item not found in Ian's house is.....in fact, all of the above items are found in Ian's house. You're absolutely right!
I knew it! His house is like a time capsule for all time.
Wow, I'm impressed. You've won a quarter of a million dollars, and are just 2 questions away from a million bucks. Now, here's your $500,000 question:
14. What was the length of Ian's relationship with Teresa?
A. 10 years B. 13 years
C. 20 years D. Their dating predates evolution
Well, it sure seems like the answer is (D), doesn't it.
The Long Goodbye. It probably felt like eternity to Ian and Teresa.
But I know this answer, Regis. In fact, Ian and Teresa's relationship has been studied scientifically.
It has?
It was in the June issue of Popular Science. There was an archaelogical survey conducted this past spring on Pearl St. And as the archaeologists were digging through Ian's backyard, they found a piece of broken crockery found that Teresa threw at Ian on their very first date. Carbon-14 dating was not specific enough to date the material precisely. But, the broken plate was found with approxiately 8 cubic yards of other material, including polyester pantsuits, ruffled shirts, shag carpeting, a pin-up poster of Julie from the Love Boat, and a Playboy issue featuring Farrah Fawcett. Then, given this new evidence, given the approximate half-life of Ian's belongings at 178 years, and using his current level of clutter as our initial point, scientists were able to construct a differential equation approximating the decay rate of his stuff, and what was found in the end is that Ian and Teresa began dating in about 1985, so that their relationship lasted 15 long years. Take off a couple years for the times when they weren't together, and you get (B), 13 years.
Final answer?
Final answer.
Popular Science is correct! Ian and Teresa dated for 13 years!
Now, you're just one question away from winning the whole kit and kaboodle. From winning a million dollars I'll bet Ian doesn't even have!
He can pay me on an installment plan.
As long as it doesn't come out of my salary, he can pay you however he wants. But now, for 1 million dollars, here's your last question:
15. Of all the past and present New England Patriots coaches, which one is Ian's favorite?
A. Rod Rust B. Bill Parcells
C. Pete Carroll D. Bill Belichick
Gosh, I know how supportive Ian is of Patriots management and how he loves all the Patriots coaches, so it's hard to choose a favorite one...
Remember, you still have the 50/50 lifeline left.
I think I'd like to use that, Regis.
Okay. We're going to remove 2 of the answers, leaving 1 wrong answer and the correct answer.....
Hmmmmm.....
Looks like you're down to Bill Parcells and Pete Carroll.
Well, neither won the Super Bowl...but I think I've got to say Bill Parcells because of his winning record, his hard-nosed persona, and his drafting of players such as Drew Bledsoe, Troy Brown, Willie McGinest, Ty Law, Lawyer Milloy, Curtis Martin...
Is that your final answer...
I'm not sure, Regis
You know, you could quit at $500,000...
No, I want to go on..the answer is (B), Bill Parcells.
Final answer?
Aww, gee whiz, I can't pick Bill. Pete Carroll is such a lovable guy, and he gave it his best shot.
I mean, if you don't get up for someone like Pete Carroll, you're not a football fan. He just kept fighting and fighting and just didn't get the breaks for things to work out. He takes responsibility for his job and he just didn't get it done all the time. When you make mistakes for 3 seasons, it becomes magnified because it's do or die and he just wasn't able to overcome all the negative publicity he got from the media. He's a great guy and shoot, he's just going to have to go back to work and hang tough and get another job, work on his game plan, make the right adjustment, just get it done. He didn't get it done this time, but he takes the responsibility for that, he's a standup guy, everyone likes him and respects him, and I think Ian will like that. So I'm going with (C), Pete Carroll.
Final answer?
Well, you know Pete, he doesn't believe in halftime adjustments, so I'm not going to change my answer either. I'll stick with Pete Carroll, final answer.
I'm sorry. The correct answer is (B), Bill Parcells. Or, alternatively, you could have said that Ian doesn't like any of the Patriots coaches.
Aw shucks. What a bad break. I'll just have to keep fighting and plugging away...
I'm sorry, you won't be able to, the game is over.
Doggone it, gee whiz, shoot...
But let me remind you that you've still won $32,000 Dowell dollars
Dowell dollars. What are those, rubles?
Less than rubles. Let's see, $32,000 Dowell dollars can either get you 3 M&Ms, any randomly selected item from Ian's basement, or this charming Midsummerfest mug.
I'll take the mug, thanks.
Thanks so much for playing. And tune in next week for another exciting episode of 'Who Wants to Be an Ian-naire!'