Episode I: The Fester Menace
Scene 1: Prologue....
Long ago, in a galaxy far, far away, a small band of slaves labored in Vermont under the cruelest conditions. The evil Emperor Dowell, his mistress Teresa, and his henchman, Darth Mohel, had lured these unsuspecting innocents to Vermont under the guise of ‘fun', but when the luckless campers arrived in Royalton, they found only deprivation. There was no running water, no electricity, and no toilets. The Emperor Dowell's idea of ‘fun' appeared to be limited to Work Weekends, duty rosters, and subjecting his minions to needless puns.
Their spirits utterly crushed, this ragtag bunch was resigned to having their lives revolve around brush-clearing, dish-washing, and woodland ‘adventures', and then writing about it afterwards so that the Emperor could lure more recruits into his web of evil.
Into this gloomy picture steps our unlikely hero, Princess Ronni. In July alone, she had received 738 updates from the Emperor about Midsummerfest, and was curious about this strange, strange man. Upon arriving at the Fox Stand Inn in Royalton, she felt compelled to investigate the strange tales she heard, about slavery, bonfires, travesties, latrines and rain, endless rain...
Scene 2: Somewhere in the Darkness of the Hundred-Acre Wood...
Emperor (to Slave #1): Hey! This trash needs taken out right way!
Slave #1 (bowing): Yes, Emperor. I'm doing the best I can! I've already cut the grass, mowed the fields, and have just finished patching up the old pool toys..
Emperor: Have you dug out the latrines?
(Slave #1 bows head in shame)
Emperor: Then what are you standing around for? You've got the trash, travesty rehearsal, the latrines, and then a fun 5 mile cross-country ski trip up the ridge! Now get moving! Move it!
Slave #1: Yes sir!
In runs another slave:
Slave #2: Here's the latest weather report for Royalton, sir.
Emperor: Good, good. I like this. Heavy thunderstorms with a flash-flood warning. High 83, Lo 59.
(Slave #2 starts to leave)
Emperor: (Peering at the report) What's this? Last updated at 2pm!?!!?!! That's over an hour ago!
Slave #2: (Trembling) But sir, I just haven't the time, I've been cleaning the..
Emperor: Do you know what you've done! The weather forecast could be completely different by now. We could have a high of only 82. The flash-flood warning may have been lifted!
Slave #2: I'm sorry sir, it won't happen again..
Emperor: I'm afraid that's not good enough. You're going to have to be punished.
Slave #2: Oh no sir, please, sir, not the...
Emperor: Yes...you're going to have to map the upper ridge!
Slave #2: (Utterly defeated) I'll do it right away (Starts to leave)
Emperor: Hold it! Where's your compass?
Slave #2: (Produces a compass) Right here, sir.
Emperor: Where's your other compass?
Slave #2: Other compass?
Emperor: Didn't you read the Midsummerfest Handbook? Subsection 18(b), Paragraph 5(g) clearly states, ‘When mapping in the woods, a fester must carry a minimum of 2 compasses and 1 GPS monitor at all times'
Slave #2: Why?
Emperor: You don't ask questions around here! You're on Spam and Pond water rations for the rest of the week! Now get out of here before I feed you to the neighbor's dogs!
(Slave #2 exits)
Emperor: Festers! (claps his hands)
(Several Slaves enter)
Emperor: I'd like to impart some knowledge to you about Winnie the Pooh. Please take notes.
(Teresa enters. She is wearing an apron)
Emperor: A. A. Milne was conceived in the gentle rolling hills of...
Teresa (mercifully interrupting): Honeybunch!
Emperor: Yes, my fluffernutter?
Teresa: Your tea is ready. Come get it while its hot and yummy.
Emperor: I'll be right there, love of my life.
Teresa: Thank you, wind beneath my wings.
Emperor: I'm going to my cabin now. I fully expect you to rehearse tonight's travesty act for the rest of the afternoon...and have fun! That's what Midsummerfest is all about, isn't it? (Cackles gleefully and exits)
Scene 3: Enter Our Heroine
Slave #2: Alright. Everybody got their scripts. Now sing along, everyone, and put a button on it.
(Ronni enters)
Chorus: We present: ‘An Ode to the Emperor Dowell'
"Arise ye for our Uncle Fester
We all believe he is the bester
So much better than all the rester
The Emperor no one can detester
Detest her? But I just met her"
Ronni: What the hell was that?
(Slaves gasp and flee)
Ronni (grabbing a slave): Where's Ian?
Slave #2 (aghast): You mustn't call him that. The Lord Emperor Dowell is taking tea with the Lady Teresa.
Ronni: The Emperor Dowell? Oi. I give him the lead in one play and look what happens. I'll talk to him. Ian!
Slave #2: Shhhh! Careful, he might hear you!
Ronni: Well, duh!
Slave #2: Don't disturb the Emperor! The last time we interrupted the Emperor during his tea time, the Lady Teresa served us Spam Casserole for a week.
Ronni: Well why didn't you go out to eat?
Slave #2 (startled): Out?
Ronni: To a restaurant. There's a nice little place in...
Slave #2 (caustically): We don't go out. We have too much fun here.
Ronni: Delivery?
Slave #2 (with sarcasm): Oh, but we love to cook dinner. We mark trails, clear trails, gather firewood, cut down dead trees, fix rafts, mow fields, map the property, wash dishes, build bridges, build barns, clean latrines and hike through the forest, and we love every minute of it.
Ronni (aside): Beam me up Scotty, there's no intelligent life here. So why don't you leave?
Slave #2: We can't. The Emperor won't let us. He has utter control of the valley.
Ronni: You can't be serious.
Slave #2: He does! Ever wonder why it always rains when we're here? He makes it rain. And there was one time, after we displeased the Emperor, that he smiled at us and suggested that we take a group picture on the dock. Well, no sooner do we all get on the dock than it collapses, and all of us get soaked in the pond. What's worse is that the Emperor got it all on film, and he sent it off to World's Funniest Home Videos, and made 500 bucks out of our humiliation
Ronni: Look, I'm in a hotel down the road. Come with me, I'll get you some real food, a shower, indoor plumbing..
Slave #2: No, it's too late for us. But you..you can still go free! Run! Get out while you can! But beware of Darth Mohel..
Ronni (incredulously): Darth Mohel???
Slave #2: Darth Mohel..the Emperor's henchman! But go..before it is too late!
(Slave #2 flees)
Ronni: Fine. Whatever. You want to stay with the ‘Emperor Ian', go ahead and stay with him! I'm going back to the civilized world!
Scene 4: Darth Mohel
Darth Mohel enters. He is wearing a yarmulke, and carrying a very small knife.
Emperor: Ah, Darth Mohel. How was the briss?
Darth Mohel: Painless...for me!
(they laugh)
Darth Mohel: I sense a great disturbance.
Emperor: I have heard rumors that there is a visitor to the Hundred Acre Wood who is staying in a..a..(splutters)
Darth Mohel: A hotel..
Emperor: This must be stopped. I was too lenient when I let my people build latrines. I was soft-headed enough to allow a cabin to be built. But if these people start to stay in hotels, then the very existence of our Midsummerfest Empire will be at an end.
Darth Mohel: I know what I must do. (Flashes his knife)
Emperor: Yes, but Darth Mohel...
Darth Mohel: Yes, my Lord?
Emperor: We have some modern technology here...use the light saber..
Darth Mohel: Yes, my master...
Voice of Teresa (from off stage): Schnookums! Your Spam Casserole is ready!
Emperor (shuddering): Show them no mercy, and I will excuse you from dinner
Darth Mohel nods.
Scene 4a: The Interception. Setting: the turnaround area
Ronni (huffing and puffing): I think it really is uphill both ways around here. Thank God. Here's the car.
(Ronni gets out her keys)
(Ronni's cell phone rings)
Ronni: Hey, Delaney. Where am I? I'm in Secockta, Vermont...Yes, camping...Newsflash! Ian's gone insane...yeah, I guess I'm not surprised either...listen, I'm at my car, it's a 3 hour drive back to town...you want to meet for dinner tonight?...yeah, 7 is good for me...see you then...bye...
(as Ronni is talking on the phone, a hunched, shadowy form creeps on stage...as soon as Ronni gets off the phone, the figure snatches Ronni's car keys from her hand)
Ronni: Hey!
Yoda: Drive you will not.
Ronni: What? Who are you?
Yoda: Your destiny I am, hmmmmm? (Giggles)
Ronni (rolling her eyes): Oh, God!
Yoda: Yoda my name is. Together destiny brings us, hmmmmmm? (Giggles0
Ronni: Give me my car keys!
(A brief, futile chase ensues. By the end of the chase, Yoda is sitting by a tub of Gorp. He is constantly munching during the following dialogue)
Ronni: Alright. I give up. What is it you want.
Yoda: Help these people you must.
Ronni: Oh, I think these people are beyond help
Yoda: Ooooooo need you they do
Ronni: But I can't help them
Yoda: You are our only hope
Ronni (sighing): Alright. If I try to help them, will you give me back my car keys?
Yoda: Trying will help not. Do you must.
Ronni: Okay.....
Yoda (pulling out a glow stick): This you will need.
Ronni: Oh, I get it. This is some kind of light saber thing.
Yoda: Wise you are in the ways of the Gorp.
Ronni: The Gorp??? Don't you mean ‘The Force?'
Yoda: Around here, gorp it is we use. Gorp gives energy. Gorp makes your coat shine. Gorp everybody happy makes.
Ronni (rolling her eyes): Look Yoda, I don't mean to blow off my mission, but is there any other way I can get back my keys...
Yoda (pondering): Mmmmmmm.....A kiss I want.
Ronni: Ewwww! (she turns to leave)
Yoda (calling after the exiting Ronni): Experience I have. Pleasure will I give.
Ronni: Oh, Darth Mohel!
Scene 5: The Battle. Setting: in the woods
Ronni: #$%@^!#! mosquitos. Why would anyone spend their vacation in the outdoors? To me the outdoors is the area from the lobby to the cab.
(Darth Mohel appears. He is carrying a glow stick.)
Mohel: We meet at last.
(They draw their weapons. A battle with very small lightsabers ensues. At some point, Darth Mohel knocks Ronni's glowstick from his hand [For once, we're letting Steve win a swordfight])
Mohel: I have you now
Ronni: Oh my God, is this the end?
Mohel: No, it is the beginning of...your destiny
Ronni: What's that?
Mohel : You see those trees with squares and triangles on them?
Ronni: Yeah
Mohel: Your destiny is to follow the endless trail of marked trees, picking up every clue stapled to a tree along the way. If you succeed in figuring out this impossible game, you will receive a melted bag of candy for your trouble, which you will then be required to share with the other 'festers'.
Ronni: That's horrible!
Mohel: The Emperor calls it ‘The Infinite Adventure'
(Mohel laughs evilly)
Ronni: Oh my God, how can I stop them
[Suddenly there is heavenly music, and a disembodied voice, a la Alec Guinness, speaks (we could use Yoda to be the voice)]:
Disembodied voice: Use the Gorp, Ronni!
Ronni: What? Who was that?
Voice: Use the Gorp, Ronni! Trust the voices you hear!
[Ronni notices tub of Gorp next to him, and offers it to Darth Mohel]
Ronni: Gorp?
Mohel (astonished): For me?? Why thank you.. (Begins munching on gorp) Mmm, this stuff is delicious..and there are chocolate chips in here too! I hope you don't mind that I'm pulling out all the chocolate chips. Do you? (Ronni shakes her head) And here's a cashew! This is great! (Pulls tub even closer to him) I hope you don't mind that I'm not sharing. (Mohel continues eating happily)
Ronni: I think he's found his destiny. Now it's time to deal with the ‘Emperor'.
Scene 6: The Final Victory
(Ronni enters)
Ronni: Ian! Your little game is up!
(The Emperor and Teresa appear, with Yoda in tow. The Emperor is holding a glow stick toYoda's throat)
Emperor: Drop your weapon.
(Ronni complies. Emperor nods to Teresa, who picks up the glow stick)
Yoda (bowing his head): So sorry I am.
Emperor: We caught him sniffing around the food tent.
Ronni: Ian, let's make a deal. You let me go from this place, and I'll give you the lead in the next play I direct..
Emperor: No no no...you came to Midsummerfest, and I'm going to personally make sure that you enjoy your time here. You two are going to have quite an adventure here...an infininte adventure..ha ha ha...adventure? But I just...
Ronni: I'm spending the rest of my life in hell!
Yoda: I love you, Ronni
Ronni: Yes, I know. (Small pause) Go away!
Emperor: Enough! Enough talking about love! You people make me sick! (Sees Teresa gesturing frantically towards him)
Emperor (to Teresa): What is it, dearest?
Teresa: Your spam souffle is getting cold, and your travesty audience is falling asleep. Could you wrap this up, sugarplum?
Emperor (rolling his eyes): Yes my darling. (To Yoda and Ronni): Do either of you have any last requests before we send you off to the woods?
Ronni: Just one question.
Ronni (to Ian and Teresa): So what's going on between you two? Are you getting married or what?
Teresa: Why don't you ask Mr Commitment here?
Emperor: But buttercup, this is the most important decision of our lives. I've got to weigh all of the pros and all of the cons. So far I've got 57 pros and 54 cons, so it's looking good. See, I have it all worked out here in Filemaker Pro...
Teresa: Stop it! Just stop it! I don't want to talk about this anymore. Could you just shut up?
Emperor: Excuse me, but I think you mean, ‘_Would_ you just shut...'
Teresa: Shut up!
***I'm putting the ending we used in the performance here. The original ending ***immediately follows the epilogue.
Teresa (glaring at the Emperor): Aaarrrggghhhh!
(Teresa runs into the cabin)
Emperor (mystified): What did I do? I'm sorry, honeybunch! Would you come out?....Sugarbear, I didn't mean to upset you...let's talk about it...
(The Emperor goes into the cabin)
Yoda: Long time they will talk. Escape we can!
(Yoda tries to hug/kiss Ronni)
Ronni: Eeeewwwwww! Go away! I'm heading back to civilization! Love ya, bye!
(She takes the car keys from Yoda and flees. Yoda hobbles off after her.)
Scene 7: Epilogue
Ronni returned to her hotel and resumed a normal life, complete with showers, running water, electricity, and toilets. Yoda followed Ronni back to Boston and now wanders the streets there. He wears a signboard that says, paradoxically, ‘Will Eat for Food'. Darth Mohel entered a clinic for gorp addiction, and is reportedly feeling much better. The Emperor and Teresa are still engaged in constructive dialogue at this time.
As for the festers...after many many hours of therapy, the festers were almost ready to reenter the outside world. They are hopeful that they can begin leading normal lives again.
***Here's the original ending
[The Emperor and Teresa immediately begin having a heated argument. The ‘Star Wars Finale' music begins playing (the dramatic music that plays right before the Death Star explodes). The Emperor and Teresa spontaneously combust (collapsing on stage will suffice as an acting gesture)]
Yoda: We did it!
Ronni (takes her car keys back): Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going back to civilization pronto! Love ya, bye!
(She exits)
Scene 7: Epilogue
Ronni returned to her hotel and resumed a normal life, complete with showers, running water, electricity, and toilets. Yoda followed Ronni back to Boston and now wanders the streets there. He wears a signboard that says, paradoxically, ‘Will Eat for Food'. Darth Mohel entered a clinic for gorp addiction, and is reportedly feeling much better. The Emperor and Teresa had apparently spontaneously combusted. Not a trace of them could be found afterwards.
As for the festers...after many many hours of therapy, the festers were almost ready to reenter the outside world. They are hopeful that they can begin leading normal lives again.