Characters

Qin Gon Jinn, a Jedi Knight Mike Guenette

Obiwan Kenobi, a Jedi Knight Rich Schaffer

Fred Fred Glompers, a Dunderhead John Burns

Queen Amygdala and Padme, interchangeably Eva Patalas and Carla Guenette

Shopkeeper Carla Guenette

Anie (Anakin Skywalker) Elisabeth Guenette

Darth Wizzle, a Sith Eva Patalas

Yoda, a diminutive Jedi Master Carla Guenette

Announcer Eva Patalas

Crowd Maire

Overture The performance begins with the stage dark. Sound cue 1: Star Wars theme music. As the music plays, the opening text is dragged slowly into audience view up the ramp to the cabin.

Opening text:

(fade to black)

Scene 1 The Jedi Council Chamber.

Yoda (a puppet) sits stage center, flanked by Qin Gon Jinn and Obiwan Kenobi, who are also seated.

Yoda: The tax blockade situation on Naboo grave has become. Go you Quin Gon, and you, Obiwan. Rescue the Queens, defeat the I.R.S. Federation armies, and be back by two. A special Jedi tea are we having then.

Qin Gon, Obiwan: Yes, Master Yoda. (they exit)

Scene 2 Naboo Swamp Scene

Sound Cue 2: The sounds of battle in the background.

Obiwan and Qin Gon enter from the side, followed closely by Fred Fred Glompers.

Obiwan: Looks like we're gonna miss that tea.

Fred Fred Glompers: Hey, thanks for savin' me back thair. I'm Fred Fred Glompers, by the way. How can I repay you fellas?

Qin Gon: Help us find a female lead for this feeble premise.

Fred Fred Glompers: You just leave it to ol' Fred Fred. Follow me…

(all exit other side)

Scene 3

Sound cue 3: Space ship sound.

On board the escaping space ship, the two Jedis, Fred Fred, and Queen Amigdyla and her handmaiden Padme are seated. The Queen wears a tiara, which is exchanged with Padme after every line.

Obiwan: Whew, that was close even for us Jedis. How are you Queens doing?

Queen, Padme: Fine, fine.

Qin Gon: We're low on gas, your majesties, so we'll have to land on the planet from Episode 4.

Padme, Queen: (switching tiara) Fine, fine.

(fade to black)

Scene 4 Tatooine Shop Scene

A winged Shopkeeper and his young assistant Anie are minding the store. Enter Qin Gon (dabbing his brow from the heat) and Obiwan.

Qin Gon: Nice shop you've got here. Can we have some honey bear space ship fuel please? Here's three hundred Dowell Dollars.

Shopkeeper: Dowell Dollars are no good in this quadrant.

Qin Gon: (does hand motion for Jedi mind trick) Three hundred dollars will be just fine.

Shopkeeper: No they won't.

Qin Gon: (puzzled, does hand motion again) These aren't the droids you're looking for. Move along.

Anie: Heat stroke got you, Mister?

Qin Gon: (puzzled, looks at Anie, does motion again) This little one's not worth bothering with.

Shopkeeper: You think you're a Jedi or something, moving your hand like that? Tell you what I'll do. If my slave Anie here wins with the Pod Race tomorrow, you can have the fuel, but if he loses you have to give me your spaceship.

Qin Gon, Obiwan: Yeah, that sounds fair. Sure. (they exit)

Scene 5 Padres Game

The two Jedis are seated to one side with Fred Fred Glompers, eating from a big box of Cracker Jacks. An announcer steps out on the opposite side of the stage.

Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the Padres Stadium. It's the bottom of the ninth and the home team is down by three. Batting for the Padres with the bases loaded, it's Anakin Skywalker!

Anie, in baseball hat, steps out to the plate with a bat.

Announcer: Here's the pitch! [Anie hits it] It's going, going, it's gone! And the Padres win, 7 to 6!

Crowd: Yeah!

Announcer: And now, the spectacular, special effects filled finale to Swamp Wars, The Feeble Premise, brought to you by Spam! [She holds up a can of Spam]

(all exit)

Scene 6 Battle Finale

Sound cue 4: Battle sounds of huge assault vehicles, laser blasts.

The two Queen/Padmes, Anie, and Fred Fred Glompers run in terror across stage, fleeing the mighty Federation forces.

Fred Fred Glompers: The shield shield's down! Here come the droid droids! Run Run for your lives!

Two motorized baby plush toys (a turtle and a locomotive) are placed at the edge of the stage and begin slowly crossing it. Anie stops, runs back, picks one up and turns it off.

Anie: Hey, there are little switches on these things!"

Anie turns off the other one, picks them up, and all exit.

Scene 7 Jedi Fight Scene

Qin Gon backs onto stage, wielding a flashlight like a light saber, fighting with Darth Wizzle who pursues. Darth Wizzle has two flashlights taped back to back w/duct tape. He in turn is followed by Obiwan. Continuous melee.

Qin Gon: We meet at last, Darth Woozle!

Darth Wizzle: That's Darth Wizzle, you Jedi nincompoop!

Qin Gon: Touchy Touchy!

Darth Wizzle stabs and kills Qin Gon.

Obiwan: Ohhh!

Darth Wizzle turns to face Obiwan…

Obiwan: I'm late for tea

I'd love to stay and chat

But good guys always win

And so, take that [kills Darth Wizzle]

Group comes out cheering, nudging bodies of Qin Gon and Darth Wizzle aside.

Group: Yeah! Yeah!

Yoda appears suddenly.

Yoda: Tea and crumpets for everyone!

Announcer: Darth Wizzle and the other Swamp Wars action figures are available in the lobby!

(all exit, return for group bow)

Costume Notes

Cloaks for Jedis and Darth Wizzle; snout mask for Darth Wizzle.

Straw hat for Fred Fred Glompers, plus plaid shirt. (hat: Guenettes; shirt: Rich S.)

Wings for Shopkeeper.

Tiara for Queen/Padme (from Elisabeth)

Props Notes

Yoda puppet (Guenettes)

Four flashlights (with new, bright batteries!)

Duct tape (Guenettes)

sponge?

Introductory text paper roll w/writing. (Florescent flashlight to charge letters–Mike)

Baseball bat (and batting helmet?)

Turtle and choochoo toys. (Guenettes)

Microphone (for announcer) (Guenettes)

Can of Spam (w/Star Wars figure pasted to side) (Rich and Eva)

Audio clips (by Mike)

Actors to get their own costumes and props except as noted.