Soap

written by Michael Guenette

with

Richard Schaffer

Carla Guenette

Eva Patalas

Cast of Characters

in order of appearance

Announcer, State Police Officer To Be Determined

Natasha, an evil vamp and neurosurgeon, posing as Angelica Eva Patalas

Forrest, Angelica's boyfriend Rich Schaffer

Ian, a guy Ian Dowell

Angelica, a beautiful earthy crunchy save the worlder Carla Guenette

Fred Glompers, a local maple tree farmer Mike Guenette

Scenes

Scene 1: deep in the Vermont woods, following a plane crash

Scene 2: near the entrance to Midsummerfest

Scene 3: Angelica's tent

Scene 4: Somewhere on the grounds at Midsummerfest

Scene 5: The Hermit's Hut

Note: scene breaks are set up so that other Travesty acts can go between our scenes, making

this more episodic in nature.

Scene 1

[Stage is dark. Sounds of a jet aircraft rushing towards the ground. Light comes up on a

styrofoam toy airplane on monofilament running from a high point into the ground. Plane

may be on fire or rigged with sparklers or firecrackers if available. Plane crash sounds after

toy plane hits the ground. Moment of silence, then (in melodramatic voice):

Announcer: Like drops on a canvas tent, these are The Rains of Our Lives...

[stage is cleared of crash debris, and light comes up on Natasha and Forrest entering from

stage left. Forrest is dragging several heavy suitcases and a large Coleman cooler, while

Natasha clutches a purse. Forrest is also dragging the remains of a parachute. Both have

soot on their faces, Forrest more so.]

Forrest: We jumped just in time. Another twenty seconds and we would've been

caught in the blast.

Natasha: I can't believe you are such a baby. You've got to learn to trust me, Forrest. I

had it all timed out precisely.

Forrest: How can you say I don't trust you? Jeeze, I don't know you anymore, Tasha.

I'd follow you to the ends of the earth, but you've got me completely

bamboozled. What are we doing here? Why'd we blow up that plane?

Natasha: Ohhhh! [starts sobbing, putting her head in her hands] Ohh...ohh. I knew it

would come to this [sobs uncontrollably].

Forrest: [moves to Natasha's side, tries to comfort her] Oh Babe, I'm so sorry. I

didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I do trust you, really I do, and you know I

love you...

Natasha: You do? [sobs] It's just that, there something [sob] something I've been

meaning to tell you. Something that [sob] explains why I've behaved so

wretchedly... You see, I have a condition...a...a terminal condition.

[Forrest and Natasha's eyes lock as a melodramatic flourish (#1) of sound plays]

Announcer: Stay tuned for more of All My Crayfish in a moment.

****scene break****

Announcer: And now more of The Guiding Flashlight.

[Forrest and Natasha reposition themselves as if some time has passed.]

Forrest: So let me get this straight. Most of your internal organs are due to fail

sometime in the next few weeks, but you'll be fine until then, and the reason

we're up here is because you need to rendevous with an international organ

donor ring to make a pickup of a set of replacements, and it'll be sometime

within the next three days, and that's what we brought the cooler loaded with

dry ice for, and we couldn't book a regular flight to get up here in time, and

that's why we had to jump from the plane and blow it up.

Natasha: Right!

Forrest: [gently chiding] I wish you had told me before, Natasha. Sometimes a simple

explanation is all it takes, you know.

Natasha: I know, but I've been under a lot of stress lately... Okay, so you need to stay

here and wait for me to make the rendezvous, then I'll come get you and we'll

make our way to the place where the helicopter will come to pick us up.

Happy Camping!

Forrest: Tasha...take care of yourself...

Natasha: [smirks evilly to herself (facing audience, knowing look, nods slightly).

Natasha exits stage right with the Coleman cooler. Forrest clears and leaves

stage.]

Announcer: We'll continue with Royalton 05063 after this word from our sponsors.

****scene break****

Scene 2

Announcer: And now we return to As The Pond Turns.

[entrance to Midsummerfest. Ian is seated stage left. Angelica enters wearing backpack from

stage right, sees Ian, crosses smiling]

Angelica: Ian! My' man! [high fives him]

Ian: Angie! It's you! Good to see you! What've you been up to?

Angelica: It's been a busy couple of months. I just got back from a stint with

Greenpeace on the Rainbow Warrior, where we stopped a French

thermonuclear attack against some whales. Before that, I was building homes

for disadvantaged women in Bangladesh along with Jimmy Carter. And, for

the past several hours, I've been up on your friend Fred Glompers' maple tree

farm chained to one of his big trees to stop some rogue developers from

bulldozing the place. I just noticed it on the way in here and thought I'd help

out.

Ian: Intense! Hey, did you see that tremendous fireball that hit north of here? The Perseid

meteors have been good some years, but that's the best I've ever seen. You could feel

the ground shake and everything. So what else is going on with you? Are you still

seeing that guy, what's his name...

Angelica: Forrest? No. It was really weird, too. One day I get this strange note from

him that says "I can never see you again" and that was it. It's been hard these

past couple of months. I really thought we had something going, too. [sniffles

a bit, then bucks up]. But enough depressing stuff. How about you?

Ian: Oh, you know, the usual. Hey, I've got to get down to the camp and get the initiation

going. Why don't you get your tent set up, and we can catch up some after dinner?

Angelica: Now you're talkin'...

[both exit stage left]

Announcer: More of The Ian and The Restless after this.

****scene break****

Scene 3

[a tent on center stage. Angelica is puttering around it, making the final adjustments. Her

back is to stage right. Natasha enters unseen from stage right, and watches Angelica for a

moment before speaking.]

Natasha: Hello, Angelica.

Angelica: [stiffens] Only one person calls me Angelica. [turns slowly around]. Well,

what rock did you crawl out from under, my dear evil twin sister Natasha?

Natasha: I don't blame you for hating me, Angelica. I mean, I've gotten all the breaks--

money, talent, fame, success. I'm a world reknowned neurosurgeon while you

scrape together a paltry existence saving three legged marmosets in places most

people have never even heard of.

Angelica: Oh, I don't hate you, Tasha. I may wish you'd never existed, and I certainly

don't trust you, but I don't hate you. So indulge my suspicions. What are you

doing out here in the Vermont wilderness? You never struck me as the type to

be too far away from the cushier creature comforts.

Natasha: I've changed, Angelica. I've seen the error of my ways. Most of all, I want to

make it up to you, for all the things I've coveted and taken from you while we

were growing up, for all the slanders and setups I've subjected you to.

Because when you come right down to it, blood is thicker than water. I'll

admit I've been driven till now by a fear of rejection, but I think I've found a

way to overcome that. The most important thing is a strong family tie. I want

to show you what it is the makes that difference, and I want to share it with

you, as a way to begin to make up for all those years of hatred and lies and

wickedness between us. Come with me and see?

[Angelica ponders whether she should trust Natasha while a "mental voiceover" plays. At

each change of heart, Angie should shift her head direction and expression to match. It

should look a little like a tennis game.]

Should I trust her? Ever since we were babies she's backstabbed me and tried

to do me in. Whether it was that cut bungy cord jump in the Amazon, or the

severed brake line on my mountain bike run down Pike's Peak, or the time she

put strichnine in my breakfast cereal when we were five. I make it two

hundred and thirty separate times she's tried to get rid of me one way or the

other. Still, maybe I'm being too hard on her. She is my sister, for heaven's

sake. Still, don't I have a responsibility to watch out for myself? Just because

we share some DNA doesn't mean I have to let myself get pushed off a cliff

again. On the other hand, after two hundred and thirty murder attempts, we're

due for a change... You fool! She'll do it again! Shut up! Give her a

chance... I can't believe you're so gullible!]

Angelica: Sure, why not? Just let me tell a friend where we're going.

Natasha: No! I mean, it won't take that long. We should go now...

Angelica: Lead the way. And Tasha, if this is one of your tricks, I won't be pleased.

[both exit stage right]

Announcer: General Campground will return after these messages.

****scene break****

Scene 4

[Natasha on the deck at Midsummerfest, wearing the same T shirt Angie was wearing, though

she's also wearing her fur around her neck. Fred Glompers enters stage right.]

Fred Glompers: There y'ar, Angie. I just wanted to thank ye agin for helpin me save

my maple tree farm. Darn decent of ya.

Natasha: [looks momentarily confused, then covers up] Don't mention it, sir. It was

nothing...a mere bagatelle. Anyone would have done the same.

Fred: I sure don' think so. And hey, they's no call to call me sir, or even "Mr.

Glompers". Please, call me Fred, likes I axed ya. I brought ya somethin' ta

thank ya...I think ya'll like it. [hands her a tupperware container]

Natasha: Sure.....Fred. What's this? Oh (dissappointed) maple sugar candies. How

cloyingly sweet of you.

Fred: Dont'ya like em? Ya said they was yer favorites!

Natasha: Oh, yes... [putting one in her mouth, grimacing] delightful. Say, ...Fred, it's

been fun chatting with you and all, but I've really got a couple of things I

simply must attend to, if you'll excuse me. [gets up and exits stage left]

Fred: [shouting after her] Shure, that's okay. Thank ya agin! [to himself] Now

that was queer!

[Forrest enters from stage right, dragging various equipment behind him]

Forrest: Excuse me...have you seen an attractive young lady hereabouts, by the name of

Angelica? She sometimes goes by Natasha, too.

Fred: Indeed I have, indeed I have. And who might you be?

Forrest: I'm Forrest, Forrest Trunk. I'm her boyfriend. I'm a little worried about her,

because she's not really feeling that well, and we've been hiking together out

in the woods until just a couple of hours ago, so I wanted to make sure she's

all right.

Fred: Come again? Did you say a couple a ours ago? No can be, buckaroo. She

was tied up to one of my maple trees just this morning.

Forrest: Tied up? If you've hurt her... [lunges for Fred, grabs him by collar].

[Ian rushes in from stage right, pulls Forrest off of Fred]

Ian: Hey! What's going on? Who are you? And where's your liability release

form?

Forrest: I'm Tasha's boyfriend. And this clown says he's been tying her up to trees.

Ian: Tasha? Who's Tasha?

Fred: He means Angie. Look, nobody hurt her. She wanted to do it.

Forrest: [lunging towards Fred again, stopped by Ian] Why you...

Ian: Hold it! Hold it! [to Forrest] Since when does Angie go by "Tasha"?

Forrest: It must be a couple of months now. She just prefers it, that's all.

Fred: There's somethin mighty perculiar goin on. Just now I gives her a box of my

best homemade maple sugar candy, which she was tellin me before is about her

favorite thing in the whole wide world, and she puckers up her mouth like I'd

gave her turpentine or somethin'.

Ian: Angie loves maple candy. And you make great candy...I've had it myself!

Fred: And another thing. Woody here claims he and Angie have been out hiking up

to the past couple a ours...but she was on my farm this morning.

Ian: And she just walked into camp at lunchtime. I talked to her myself.

Fred: Well, either she's really sick, like Branch Boy here claims, or she's in two

places at the same time.

Forrest: But she is really sick. She needs to have all her internal organs replaced. We

were going to meet with a courier here to pick up donated ones so we could

fly out by helicopter from a mountaintop near here, then go get them

transplanted.

Fred: Ian, we got to find her and get to th' bottom a this. She might be in seryus

trouble.

Ian: Let's go! [all exit stage left].

Scene 5

Announcer: And now, the exciting conclusion of One Life to Live.

[Natasha and Angelica on stage. Angelica's hands are bound behind her back.]

Angelica: Why? Why? What have I ever done to you?

Natasha: I've always been jealous of you. You stole my teddy bear when we were six,

but did anyone believe me? Noooooo. And you were always luckier in love.

Though your latest sig other is no bright bulb, believe me. I've had him

thinking I was you for the past two months, even with my vastly more mature

outlook and personality. In any event, I've got a major disease and need most

of my major organs replaced, so, dear sister, you'll finally get the chance to

pay me back. And I do mean finally [laughs evilly.]

Angelica: On the plus side, at least you'll have a change of heart afterwards.

Natasha: I'd love to chat, but you know what they say: freshness counts! [advances

towards Angie with knife raised.]

Angelica: [screams] AAAaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh! [melodramatic musical flourish (#2)]

[Ian, Fred, and Forrest burst in from stage right.]

Ian: Stop! Don't do it!

Natasha: [with knife poised at Angie's neck] Nobody moves or she gets it.

Fred: You're gonna kill her anyways, aint ya?

Natasha: It's her or me. Same genes, anyway, so what's the difference?

Forrest: Well, for starters, she's universally loved and a positive contributor to the good

of humankind, and you're generally despised.

Angelica: [fondly] Oh, Forrest, I've missed you...

Ian: Nice bit of tracking, Glompers. Looks like you were right all along.

Fred: Ayuh. Only now whadda we do? Looks like one a them impasse things.

[everyone looks jerkily from one person to the other, waiting to see who's going to make the

first move. Ian's cellular phone/walky talky starts to ring...and ring...and ring.]

Natasha: [tensely] Somebody answer the g.d. phone!

Ian: Hello?

State Police: Mr. Ian Dowell? Massachusetts State Police here, sir. We regret to inform

you that your daughter has just passed away.

Ian: Daughter? What daughter? Surely there's some mistake.

State Police: No sir. Do you remember that study at Harvard you participated in when you

were eleven, sir? The one with the girly pictures? Well, sir, the ahh results of

that study were used to conceive three identical triplets. Two of the girls were

raised together, but the third was adopted by a different family and was

involved in a terrible car crash two years ago. No one in the family survived,

and she's been in a brain dead coma since then. As the closest surviving kin,

it's up to you to decide what arrangements should be made. Did I happen to

mention that all her internal organs are in perfect shape? Over...

Ian: What were the names of those girls?

State Police: Cassandra, Angelica, and ... Natasha.

Ian: Thank you, officer [big smile]. Please keep those organs on ice, we'll be by to pick

them up shortly. [To Natasha:] Well, daughter, when were you expecting that

helicopter?

Natasha: Daddy! [drops knife, runs to Ian, hugs him]

Angelica: Thank you, Daddy! And Forrest, how could you?

Forrest: Life is like a box of chocolits...I mean, I thought she was you. I admit, I

thought you were behaving strangely when you decided to murder the pilot and

jump out of the plane, but I decided long ago to follow you whereever and

whatever you did...because I love you.

Angelica: Oh, Forrest!

Natasha: You're welcome to him, sis. He's a bit dense for me. I only stole him from

you so I could get your innards...

Fred: You were gonna kill your own sister! And you murdered all those people on

the plane...

Ian: Let's not argue about who killed who. This is supposed to be a happy

occasion! [general murmurs of agreement]

[sound of chopper blades in distance. Group exit stage left toward chopper.]

Props Sound Cues

tape recorder jet plane sound

large toy styrofoam airplane crash, explosion

monofilament Days of Our Lives theme snippet

pyrotechnics melodramatic chord #1

soft side luggage melodramatic chord #2

coleman cooler phone ringing (3-4 times)

backpack(s) helicopter sounds

parachute

fur stole, other luxury accessories

T-shirt

small tent

tupperware container

rubber knife

tape (to bind Angie's hands)

cellular phone/walky talky