Nar: Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, welcome to another exciting episod

of SPACE COMMANDER WACK! Starring... Space Commander Wack! Stupid Larry! and

Gorf! The dead martian dog.

This year's episode starts in the living room of Space Commander Wack as

he and Stupid Larry are discussing the nights TV fare.

Scene I--SCW's Living Room

SL: SCW! It's 8 o'clock! Time for Discovery on Channel 2. They're doing a

show on the mysterious rain patterns in central Vermont.

SCW: No way. We've got to watch this week's episode of Lifestyles of the

Blonde and Vacuous.

SL: Ok, but at 9, I really want to watch This Old Nuclear Reactor.

SCW: No, I want to watch, The Miss Royalton Pageant.

SL: Well, CW. You know, we do have 2 televisions.

SCW: Don't be stupid, Stupid Larry. You know that Gorf is watching "My Life a

a Dog."

SL: Oh. yea.

TV Guy: We interrupt our continuing coverage of the OJ Simpson prison

sentence to bring you this news flash. There has been a fatal accident on the

set of Egregious and Catty Lee. They were accidently killed when a 16 ton weight

fell on them. Police suspect foul play.

This brings to 5 the number of talk show hosts to meet their untimely

demise this week. Yesterday, Geraldo died unexpectedly while undergoing a

routine sex change operation.

SL: What a senseless waste of a couple of senseless wastes.

SCW: This is a case for SPACE COMMANDER WACK!

All I need to do is get on a talk show and wait for the next accident to

occur. Then I'll find that evil doer!

I'll start calling right now. I bet they can't wait to get a superhero o

their show!

Where are those yellow pages?

Let's see... (picks up yellow pages) Escort services... massage

parlors... Penile enlargement kits.... Ah. Here we go. Talk show hosts.

(dial's phone)

Hello Donahue? (pause) . Oh... I see. When do you expect him back? Ok.

Thanks. Bye.

SL: No luck?

SCW: No, he's gone to Singapore. (pause) He was really disappointed that OJ

didn't get the death penalty, though.

(pause) Let's see who else we have. Oprah...

SL: (interjects) Did you know that Oprah spelled backwards is Harpo?

SCW: (not paying attention to SL) Hmm...

(disbelieving) The Emil Thibodeaux show?

SL: I hear he only interviews people from Mamou, Louisiana.

SCW: Ah ha! The Marcel Marceau show! (dials)

Hello Marcel? This is Space Commander Wack.... Fine thanks, and you?

Can't complain. Very funny. I was just calling to see if I could get on your

show this week. Oh... Helen Keller! Good guest! Oh well. Thanks, anyway. Talk to

you later.

SL: SCW? What about that one you watch every day?

SCW: Oh. Of course. (dials)

Hello. Sassy Jelly Raphael, please.

Hi, Sassy Jelly. Space Commander Wack here.

Was I abused as a child? No.... Not as a child.

I don't think you heard me before; my name is Space Commander WACK--I'm

superhero.

(brief pause)

Do I have a sidekick? Well yes, I do. Oh. you want to speak to him?

(hands phone to SL)

SL: Hello?

Would I like to be on your show tomorrow? Yea, okay.

Mind if I bring my dog?

(pause)

No, we're not intimately involved.

Scene II--The set of the Sassy Jelly Raphael Show

(remove the TV set)

(SCW and SL and Gorf sitting on the set, waiting. )

Narr: Welcome to the Sassy Jelly Raphael Show, starring Sassy Jelly Raphael.

(Narr holds up "Applause" sign.)

I'm your announcer, Prevention. Remember, Announcer Prevention is worth

pound of cure.

And now, a woman who needs no reproduction,

Sassy Jelly Raphael!

(Narr holds up "Rapturous Applause" sign.)

(Enter Sassy Jelly Raphael (SJR).)

SJR: Hi, I'm Sassy Jelly Raphael.

Today's topic is "Superhero Sidekicks and the Women Who Love Them."

We have as our guest Stupid Larry, the sidekick of Space Commander Hack.

SCW: Um, that's Wack, Space Commander Wack.

SJR: Whatever. We were hoping to have Superman and Lois Lane on the show, bu

they're off on vacation, using up his "frequent flyer" miles. Luckily, Stupid

Larry and Space Commander Flak were available at a moment's notice.

SCW: WACK. Space Commander WACK.

SJR: Whatever.

(turns emphatically to SL)

Stupid Larry, how did you become a superhero sidekick?

SL: Well, Sassy Jelly, I went to the Superhero University of Central Kansas

(stands up in mid-sentence)

S-U-C-K! Suck! Suck! Suck!

(sits down as if nothing had happened)

but my grades weren't good enough. As you know, only the top 25% can

become superheroes. The middle 50% become sidekicks, and the bottom 25% usually

become talk-show hosts.

SJR: Fascinating.

(turns emphatically to SCW)

So, Space Commander Zack, is that how YOU became a superhero?

SCW: (angrily)

Well, actually, Grassy Belly, my father made a large donation to the

university.

SJR: Fascinating.

(turns emphatically back to SL)

But Stupid Larry, today's show is about "Superhero Sidekicks And The

Women Who Love Them." Where are the women who love you?

SL: The search continues, Sassy Jelly.

SJR: Fascinating.

Let's take some questions from the audience.

Aud: (stands up)

Is it true that your relationship with Christie Brinkley caused the

breakup with Billy Joel?

SL: (pause) What Christie and I had was very special, but now we are just

friends.

SJR: Fascinating.... Does this mean you're single again?

SCW: (noticing Gorf munching food) Gorf! What are you chewing on! Doritos!?

You know those aren't good for you!

SL: Doritos?... Ahhhhhhhhh.... (long pause) That explains everything! (pause

)

It must have been.... Chevy Chase who murdered all those talk show hosts! He

must have been upset at having his talk show cancelled.

(pause)

SCW: Ah ha! I've got it. It was Chevy Chase! I was wondering why I saw him

backstage earlier. (pause). I've got to go arrest him! Come Gorf!

(exit with Gorf. Leaving SJR and SL to a romantic tryst)

SJR: Oh! Stupid Larry! You've saved my life! How can I ever repay you!?

SL: (pulling whip cream can out of bag) I'm sure I can think of something..(

they exit arm in arm)