SPACE COMMANDER WACK '92

NARRATOR:

And now for another exciting adventure of . . .

SPACE COMMANDER WACK. Starring . . . Space Commander Wack.

Stupid Larry. And Gorf, the Dead Martian Dog.

In tonight's episode, we'll see how Space Commander Wack

became the superhero that he is. Join us now for: WACK AT 16.

We pick up the action in the Guidance Counsellor's office . . .

SCENE I -- HIGH SCHOOL GUIDANCE COUNSELLOR'S OFFICE

WACK:

(trying to read the sign on the office door)

Mr. Thigh-Buttocks, I want to talk to you about careers.

COUNSELLOR:

(slightly offended) My name is Thibodeaux, Emil Thibodeaux.

From Mamou, Louisiana.

(pauses) Let's take a look at your file.

(opens file) Well, according to the results of your

Kuder Career Preference Test, you would be best suited

to a career as a hairdresser or a telephone sanitizer.

WACK:

(disappointed) Uh, well . . .

COUNSELLOR:

Not interested? Well, your score on the spelling bee wasn't

very good. Have you ever thought of being Vice President?

WACK:

No, I really want to be a superhero.

COUNSELLOR:

A superhero?

WACK:

(Aside) How else am I going to get a date for the Prom?

COUNSELLOR:

Well, if you're going to be a superhero, you should read

"What Color Is Your Cape?".

(pauses)

And for starters, you'll need a sidekick.

WACK:

Where can I get one?

COUNSELLOR:

That's easy, just go to "Superhero Sidekicks R Us".

Most importantly, though, you'll need a name.

WACK:

A name? Oh. I was thinking of "Space Commander".

COUNSELLOR:

(unconvinced) Yeah, but I think it needs a little more.

Your name should evoke images of what you do best.

Superman is STRONG, Batman FLIES, and . . .

WACK:

(interrupting)

I know, I'll be "Space Commander WACK"!

SCENE II -- SUPERHERO SIDEKICKS R US

(sign above counter says "Superhero Sidekicks R Us")

WACK:

Hello, I'd like to buy some cheese. Oh, I'm sorry, wrong sketch.

I'd like to buy a superhero sidekick, a right-hand man,

an assistant up to my capabilities.

SHOPKEEPER:

Sir, you've come to the right place. (proudly) It was I who

placed Kato with the Green Hornet, and Robin with Batman.

We're having a special on Tontos this week, if you're interested.

WACK:

Y'see, the thing is, I've only got my last week's allowance.

SHOPKEEPER:

(disdainfully) Oh. (recovering) Well, let's see what we've got.

Let me take a look through our "Underachievers" collection.

(steps behind screen, brings out Stupid LARRY)

Here, I've got one for you.

Meet (looks at tag) "Stupendous Larry"!

WACK:

Stupid Larry?! I like it!

(LARRY rolls his eyes in disgust.)

SHOPKEEPER:

Sold!

(shakes hands with WACK)

WACK:

Come on, Stupid Larry. I want you to meet my dog Gorf.

I left him outside.

NARRATOR:

Honk, honk! Screech! SPLAT!!

(pause for scene change)

Later that day . . .

SCENE III -- WACK, LARRY WALKING, DRAGGING GORF

DAMSEL:

Help! Help! My cat is missing!

WACK:

(Aside)

Aha! A damsel in distress.

This is a case for SPACE COMMANDER WACK!

If I rescue her cat, I bet she'll go to the Prom with me.

(To damsel)

I'll help you, Miss . . . (as if searching for her name)

DAMSEL:

(disdainfully) Oh great.

WACK:

I'll help you Miss Ograte. I'll FIND your cat.

(thinking out loud) Well let's see, first I'll need my

Wack Binoculars, my Wack Pack, and, to keep away the bugs,

my Wack Off.

LARRY:

Space Commander Wack?

(WACK, deep in thought, doesn't hear LARRY)

CW?

(still no response from WACK)

Space Commander Wack. It's up in the tree.

(STILL no response from WACK)

The heck with it.

(picks up GORF, and throws him up the tree.)

NARRATOR:

Meow. (throws CAT on stage near GORF)

DAMSEL:

Oh, Boopsie!

WACK:

(wakes up)

Look! I've found your cat!

DAMSEL:

(looking at GORF)

Is your dog alright? He's looking kind of green.

WACK:

(digging for an answer)

Oh, yeah. Um, that's because he's, um, . . . from Mars.

DAMSEL:

How can I ever repay you?

WACK:

Well, Miss Ograte, (trying to get up courage)

would you like to go to, um, . . .

DAMSEL:

Oh, by the way, Larry, would you like to go to the Prom with me?

LARRY:

Uh, sure. I may be stupid, but I'm not dumb.

(LARRY and DAMSEL walk off hand-in-hand.)

NARRATOR:

And thus we leave our hero, with no date for the Prom,

and with nothing to look forward to except another evening

of earning his name.

Stay tuned for another exciting episode of

SPACE COMMANDER WACK.