with Dowell Associates

written by Michael J. Guenette and Company

July 14, 1996

Announcer Steve Dubin?

Biff Binkly, news anchor Mike Guenette

Ivana B. Famous, news anchor Carla Guenette

Wayne Strom, weatherman Rich Schaffer

Fred Glompers, sports Ian Dowell

"Croc Dundee" Rich Schaffer

Ishikawa von Parmesan Teresa Lyons

Gladys Booberry, local resident Eva Patalas

Dr. Ava Bronner Eva Patalas

Ian Dowell Ian Dowell

MSF Inc. chorus Rich Schaffer w/Eva Patalas, Carla Guenette, and Teresa Lyons

Nienke Nienke Beuling

Translator Eva Patalas

[The set will have the anchor desk with two chairs stage right and a features desk on stage left with two chairs. Entrances and exits will be backstage center into the cabin unless otherwise noted. At the start of the play, Ivana and Biff are seated at the anchor desk, and Fred Glompers is slumped over (asleep) in the far chair at the feature desk.]

Announcer From the bustling metropolis of Royalton, Vermont, this is News Center 55, with your coanchors, Biff Binkley and Ivana B. Famous. Fred Glompers on Sports, Wayne Strom on Weather. Foreign correspondent and Roving Reporter Ishikawa von Parmesan. And Dr. Ava Bronner with Healthbeat.

[Ivana starts fanfare on toy xylophone; Biff starts fanfare on kazoo. It's the LSC curtain fanfare]

Announcer With all the news that we could scrape together, this is News Center 55!

[Biff and Ivana finish fanfare, put down instruments]

Biff Hello! I'm Biff Binkley...

Ivana And I'm Ivana B. Famous. Tonight on News Center 55 we'll be looking at a violent protest right here in downtown Royalton.

Biff Later in the program we'll have an exclusive interview with the fabulous actress and philosopher, Nienke, and our nature correspondent will take a lighthearted look at the reproductive techniques of some of our smaller woodland friends.

Ivana Wayne Strom will bring us up to the minute with area weather. Any hints of what's to come, Wayne?

[Wayne steps up onto stage left (to left of features desk). He is wearing a rain slicker and carrying an open umbrella and a microphone. Wayne talks with a lisp like Elmer Fudd.]

Wayne Wewll, Ivana, wet's just say fowks shouldn't cancew those out of town travew pwans...

Ivana Mmmm...sounds ominous.

[Wayne exits stepping back down stage left.]

Biff And let's get a look ahead with Fred Glompers on sports...

[Fred is slumped over features desk, asleep]

Biff I see Fred is busy preparing, so please stay tuned after this commercial message.

[break for commercial. Biff goes over and shakes Fred's shoulders, and lifts his head up. Ivana goes over and "slaps" him to wake him up. Wayne (stepping on stage from stage left) pokes him with an umbrella, then they all drag him upstage center into cabin. Rich S. must quickly strip off his rain slicker and don a cowboy hat to appear as "Croc" Dundee.]

[Commercial. "Croc Dundee" enters from cabin, walks on stage prominently holding up a can of Foster Lager. He speaks in an Australian accented voice, and may wear a cowboy hat. He stands next to a chair to the right of the features desk]

"Croc Dundee" Whan a mayte wants a bucket a brew, you caynt dew beddeh thayn a heyfty quart of Fosteh Layger. Yew cayn beyt this'll queynch a mayn-sized thirst, mayte. [pops can, takes a long slow drink] Heck, it could drown ya if yew ain't cayrful. [staggers a bit, sits heavily into the chair, starts slowly sliding under the table, slumps unconscious.]

Announcer Foster Lager. Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "Down Under."

[pause. Fred Glompers walks sleepily onto the stage from cabin, leans on anchor desk, and looks into the camera]

Fred Dont fergit ta turn on "Crop Report" at five a.m. with yer host, me, Fred Glompers. Stuff about farmin', and stuff. Crop Report.

[yawns, goes around and grabs "Croc Dundee" under the armpits and drags him offstage into the cabin.]

[Biff and Ivana come in from cabin and sit at anchor desk.]

Ivana Our top story: Once again a big developer in the Royalton area is in trouble, and this time it's led to violent protests. Our Roving Reporter Ishikawa von Parmesan has the story. Itchy?

[Ichi walks up ramp from seat in audience and stands at the very top of the ramp. She is wielding a microphone.]

Ishikawa That's right, Ivana. First, it was a planned resort community complete with two lakes and extensive recreational facilities. Now Ian Dowell of Midsummerfest, Incorporated has stirred public controversy with a rash of building on the property development code named "The Hundred Acre Wood". Here's what one local resident, Gladys Booberry, had to say about it.

[Gladys walks up ramp from audience, stands next to Ichi facing audience, who wields a microphone back and forth.]

Gladys Well I don't call it no woods, not anymore. Seems like he's aimin' ta make some kind of Ver-mont Disneyland or somethin'. Whatever it is, I'm aginst it!

Ishikawa Is it true you instigated the violent protest at the zoning meeting?

Gladys I beg yer pardon, missus--I never instergated nothin in my life. Everyone knows I always sit in the same seat at town meetings, and this fancy big pants Ian Dowell, who don't even live in town!, wouldn't get out a' my chair. A' course I had to haul off and whack him one with my handbag.

Ishikawa Thank you, Ms. Booberry. [Gladys exits back down ramp] Well, there you have it, Ivana. Back to you.

Ivana Thank you, Itchy. Biff?

Biff Time to check in with our resident meteorologist, Wayne Strom. Wayne?

[Wayne steps up from stage left, in rain slicker, umbrella, with microphone]

Wayne Wewll, Biff, wet's just say it's not a good weekend to cancew your fwood insuwance.

[Wayne steps back down upstage left.]

Biff All right, then. Ivana?

Ivana Biff?

Biff What?

Ivana Biff! [points to script]

Biff Oh, yes..ha, ha...Oh! [serious, lower pitched delivery] And now for something on a more serious note, here's our own summer resident medical expert, Dr. Ava Bronner, with Health Beat.

[Dr. Bronner enters from cabin door and sits down at Features Desk. She is wearing a white lab smock.]

Dr. Bronner Thank you, Biff. Today we'll be talking about a devastating illness that has become more and more common with each passing summer in New England. I'm talking, of course, about *Mime* Disease. Once localized to small areas around Harvard Square and Downtown Crossing in the greater Boston area, this debilitating and highly contagious condition can surface almost anywhere--summer festivals, college campuses, theme parks, and even large informal camping gatherings deep in the woods.

Biff Tell me, Doctor--how can a person detect the signs of this insidious sickness?

Dr. Bronner Biff, victims in the full throes of the disease lose all verbal ability. Physical arm and leg motions become grotesquely exaggerated. Often victims feel as if they are trapped within a box or are being blown away in a high wind. It can be frightening to watch, but usually it's just intensely boring.

Ivana Is it true that tics are involved in the spread of Mime Disease?

Dr. Bronner That's correct, Ivana. One of the early symptoms carriers exhibit are unusual facial tics. The progression to the full blown disease is quite rapid, and there is no known cure.

Biff What can be done once a person is infected?

Dr. Bronner One study showed some early promising results when the affected mime was bludgeoned to death with imaginary clubs, but it turned out that the therapists themselves usually then came down with the syndrome. Currently the only safe way to deal with a person showing the symptoms of *Mime* Disease is to shoot them, preferably from a good distance away.

Biff Thank you, Dr. Bronner. The state police advise anyone trapped in their car by roving mimes to lock their doors, crank up the radio, and if possible, drive over as many as they can before getting away. Fred, is there a hunting season on Mimes?

[Fred pops out from backstage (cabin), gives Biff a "hearty" slap on the back on the next line. Dr. Bronner leaves into cabin.]

Fred No, Biff, it's always open season on Mimes...

[sits down at features desk]

Biff That's a relief.

Ivana Ugh. It gives me the shivers just thinking about them. Now the News Center 55 Investigative Team report.

Fred This is Fred Glompers with tha Royalton News Investergative Team, and what I want ta know is: Who tha heck tipped over my garbage cans last night? Don't tell me coons! I know it weren't no coons. The lids were on and I got 'em chained on good. Anybody with infermation please call our hotline phone at 603 555 F-I-N-K.

Ivana Thank you, Fred. Coming up, a review of the opening of "Travesty" with our entertainment critics, Ishikawa von Parmesan and Gladys Booberry.

[Fred leaves through center cabin door]

Biff And you won't want to miss that delightful piece on the frolicsome fetishes of our furry friends, here on New Center 55. Stay tuned!

[all exit stage into cabin for commercial]

[Ian enters as Ian Dowell, owner of MSF Incorporated. He talks very fast during this commercial. Note that Teresa, Eva, and Carla will be displaying wares during the spiel. Teresa will be first with the mug, Eva next with the vintage shirt, and last Carla with the 96 shirt. Ian will have to have two tubes of ammo to show.]

Ian Dowell Hi, Friends! I'm Ian Dowell, local entrepreneur and owner of Midsummerfest, Incorporated. I want to tell you how to get the best bang for your entertainment and relaxation buck. We can get you a mug or cup of gorp for less because our costs are less. And shirts...have we got shirts for you! Classic '87s, a full selection from the early 90's, and of course the most up to date and very stylish 1996 model. Come in and test drive this baby. But wait, there's more! Premium glass and ceramic mugs--designer editions. Use 'em for beer, for coffee, tea, cocoa, soft drinks, pond scum. They got a thousand uses. Now how much would you pay? Well, just listen to this. If you sign up now, we'll throw in absolutely free two whole tubes of well aged and hardened splat ball ammunition. At Crazy Ian's, everything's for sale, so Come On Down!

[vocals chorus comes up: Rich S. w/Eva & Carla & Teresa as backup. Sway back and forth, taking queue from Rich in front.]

Chorus Yo! Baby! Yo!

Don't You Know!

You Gots To Go

To Mid [clap] Summer [clap] Fest!

[Ian and chorus clear stage into cabin. Gladys Booberry comes on stage from cabin for station promo, sits at Features Desk]

Gladys Lots a people ask me why I watch News Center 55. Theys lots a good reasons. Fur one, they do carry what's goin' on in Royalton, and nobody else will. Another thing--they're always on at the same time a' night, and that Ivana and Biff seem so...so...dedicated. That Fred Glompers is so down to earth. I always watch him on Crop Report. I caint count how many times he sed to me, "Gladys, if you didn't get up to watch that show, I could catch another four hours sleep, cause nobody would know the difference." And Wayne Strom's all right, a little touchy maybe. [exits into cabin]

[Ivana comes in and sits at the anchor desk during the following monologue, picks up the phone and calls, talking]

Announcer dedicated...down to earth...touchy. Just some of the reasons to watch News Center 55, where we'll tell you all the news that we could scrape together. Watch News Center 55. Remember: Biff is Better!

Ivana Sid? Ivana here. Look, Sid, you've got to get me out of this one bit flea trap side show operation. I need some big city exposure. [Biff sits down quietly, unobserved] I'm going crazy here working with that low IQ poster boy and his assorted homunculi. And this audience is a bunch of whining, butt scratching, tobacco chewing, howdying [looks at camera, shocked, realizing they're back on the air] And We're Back! [tries to unobtrusively hang up phone]

Biff Let's check quickly on the weather. Wayne?

[Wayne pops up from behind stage left, as before, with raincoat, umbrella, and microphone]

Wayne Wewll, wet's just say arwk buiwding and water safety skiws should come in handy ovew this weekend.

Biff We look forward to the full report shortly. Ivana?

[Wayne exits upstage left.]

[during Ivana's next introduction, Ishikawa, Translator, and Nienka enter from audience up ramp and sit (in that order) on the forward edge of stage left, in front of the features desk. Ishikawa is wielding a microphone.]

Ivana Now lets go to the Netherlands, where our international correspondent, Ishikawa von Parmesan, is standing by with an exclusive interview with the internationally famous actress and philosopher Nienke, accompanied by her translator. Itchy?

[translator leans forward]

Translator No, quite comfortable, thank you.

Ishikawa Ah...good. Tell me, Nienke. You've appeared and starred in several very successful blockbuster commercial films in Holland and enjoy the full trappings of the wild celebrity lifestyle, but your philosophical papers espouse a simple, almost monastic life in order to protect the earth and its environment. How do you reconcile these two seemingly opposed positions?

Translator [in "dutch"] gibberish...

Nienke [in dutch, a very long response]

Translator [in "dutch"] gibberish...

Nienke [in dutch, again a very long response]

Translator [to Ishikawa] Well, a girl's got to eat, hasn't she?

Ishikawa I see. How did you first get interested in your minimalist philosophy?

Translator [in "dutch", brief] gibberish

Nienke [in dutch, brief response]

Translator [to Ishikawa] I discovered that it would enable me to become a non profit charitable organization for tax purposes.

Ishikawa Can you tell us something of your plans to run for a seat in the Dutch parliament?

Translator, Nienke [get into an animated discussion in dutch with 3 exchanges]

Translator [to Ishikawa] I'm sorry, what was the question again?

Ishikawa I was saying, can you... [Nienke whispers to translator]

Translator [waves to camera] Hello, Mom!

[Nienke whispers to translator again]

Translator Excuse me, will this be a nationally syndicated interview?

Ishikawa No, not precisely. We broadcast to a small region of north central Vermont.

Translator [in "dutch"] short gibberish

[Nienke stands up in a huff, glares at Ichi, speaks, makes rude gestures, and stalks off down ramp.]

Translator We must be going. It was so nice to meet you. Here's an autographed picture, just for you! [follows Nienka down ramp.]

Ishikawa Errmm...back to you, Ivana.

Ivana Thanks, Itchy. Biff? [Ishikawa exits down ramp into audience. Wayne Strom enters from cabin entrance and sits at features desk, the leftmost chair.]

Biff And now it's time to get the complete low down on the area weather, with our meteorologist, Wayne Strom. What do you have for us, Wayne?

Wayne Wewll, wets just say this would be a good time to spwout webbed feet and giwlls, Biff. Wain, wain, wain, and pwenty of it. The system that wowlled in Thuwrsday night aftew weeks of sunshine has wocked in pwace wight hewe in the Woyalton vawwey, and it's coming down in towwents. Thewre's a white water wiverw wafting advisowy and wocalw wesidents are warned that woew wevew aweas wiwll fwood wandomwy. Sunday will wepeat the wainy wepetowy, with wain weawwy coming down thwoughout the day and just stawrting to withdwaw as the wast campewrs wetweat from Midsummewrfest.

Biff How does it look in neighboring areas?

Wayne Curwiouswy dwy and pweasant, Biwll.

Biff That's Biff, you moron. And what's on the docket for next week?

[Fred enters from cabin entrance, sits in rightmost chair at features desk.]

Wayne The extended fowrcast is fowr wapid dwying on Monday, fowwowed by sunny and faiwr conditions untiwl sometime in the fowwowing Juwaye. And now to tewll us about the stawrt of wabbit season, here's Fwed Gwompewrs...

Fred Thankee, Wayne. That's right, folks in TV land, it's rabbit season tomorrow, so get yer guns, lock and load, and move out. Keep in mind ya dew need a permit if yer not huntin yer own land, which you can obtain from me, Fred Glompers, local game warden. A couple a tips if yer new to tha sport--if it's bright orange, it aint no rabbit, so don't be shootin' it. And after that little incident last year where I couldn't sit down for a month afterwards, I'll be prosecutin violaters while wearin full body armor, and I'm packin an automatic assault rifle with optional grenade launcher. I'm in no mood ta be messed with--so lets keep this a safe, legal, happy season this year.

Biff My, we're a little testy, aren't we, Fred? Ha, ha!

Fred Blow it out yer butt, poster boy.

Biff Ha, ha, what a sense of humor. Don't forget, coming up is that great segment about mammals on the make...

Ivana We'll be right back after this commercial message.

[Fred, then everyone else clears stage into cabin. Ian must go up to second level to work "tick"]

[Taped, heavy foreboding music ala Jaws]

Announcer Royalton Cable Channel Mini Series presents "The Beast". There it is...lurking in the high bush...Don't brush that blade of grass!!! [music alarum] [Ian: suddenly dangle the picture of a tick on the rope.]

Sinisterly waiting. It doesn't have four legs, it has eight...no, six! Nearly invisible to the naked eye...Coming to get you on July 21st..."The Beast"

[in a shrill, nerdly voice] Brought to you by the makers of "Off"

[Biff and Ivana enter from cabin, go back to the anchor desk, Ichi and Gladys go to the features desk]

Ivana Now we go to our entertainment critics, Gladys Booberry and Ishikawa von Parmesan. Ladies?

Ishikawa and Gladys [briefly critique previous sketches ala Siskel and Ebert in an improvisation, voting one thumb up and one thumb down unless something is so awful it clearly deserves two down]

Ishikawa The last piece was quite strange--called "Newscast", it offers uneven characters, bizarre writing, confused directing, and lowball production values, but even all this couldn't compensate for the tedious and seemingly unending performance.

Gladys I couldn't agree with ya more. This thing just dragged on and on and on. Even for a Midsummerfest act, these people ought to be ashamed a' themselves. Thumbs down.

Ishikawa Definitely. Two thumbs down.

Biff [nervous facial tic] Well, that's all the time we've got...[grasps throat, can't talk, waves to Ivana, continues pantomiming]

Ivana [interpreting] We'll have to put off that woodland sex report till tomorrow night. [starts getting a tic herself, pantomiming, pointing at watch and waving goodbye]

Wayne [comes up, interpreting] Fwom awll of us at News Centewr 55, Good Night.

[Fred comes up with gun, ready to shoot. Shoots anchors, everyone drags them off stage into cabin.]

Announcer This has been another exciting edition of News Center 55. News Center 55 is a Guenette/Schaffer Production, in conjunction with Dowell Associates.

***The End***